JOURNAL PROMPT
Processing your experience
Journaling is one of the most effective ways to filter through all of the thoughts and feelings that
may be overwhelming you. What’s important to remember is that you don’t have to be a perfect
writer. Getting the thoughts and feelings down on paper is only for you. If you surrender to the
exercise and write what comes up without self-judgment, you might be surprised what emerges.
THE ICK LIST
Putting your partner in perspective
When we reflect on past experiences, our brain tends to shift our memories to protect us. Because
of that, we often see past partners and relationships through rose-coloured glasses. It’s important
to consistently remind yourself of the not-so-positive aspects that you may forget about over
time. Doing this helps you fixate more on the less-perfect qualities of this person based in truth,
which, in turn, can help depedestal this individual and allow you to move on more easily.
Keep this list in a convenient place, and keep adding to it and rereading it each day until you feel
less attached to the person you’ve been struggling to move on from.
SETTING BOUNDARIES
Identifying your triggers
Whilst it may not be pleasant to think about what triggers you, becoming aware of what those
behaviours, words, and actions are can help you set boundaries accordingly. Having the right
boundaries in place going forward will help you set proper expectations in your relationships,
which can reduce your risk of being mistreated by future partners.
Communicating your external boundaries
When you understand what triggers are influenced by another person's behaviour, you can
communicate with them how you like to be treated. This is an example of an external boundary.
​
Here’s an example of what you could say to set a boundary:
“I enjoy interacting with you though I have noticed that there's been a shift in our communication, which was once more consistent. I understand you're likely busy right now, but I would appreciate if you texted at least once a day. It doesn't have to be a lengthy message—just a quick check-in would be sufficient to help me maintain my investment as we're getting to know each other.”
Putting internal boundaries in place with yourself
Whilst communicating boundaries is essential, it's also important to maintain internal boundaries
with ourselves. This is how we cultivate self-respect.
​
An example of an internal boundary might be saying something like this to yourself:
“I will not accept three instances of disrespect in a budding relationship, and if I do, I need to first
communicate the issue, and if things continue to play out as they have and not get better, I
make a promise to myself to leave on the third boundary violation.”
OR
“Anytime I find myself having angry conversations out loud by myself, I need to write out or
process my anger, and I should consider communicating my anger in a constructive manner to
the person who has angered me on the basis that they are able to take on my feedback in a
constructive way.”
YOUR INNER CRITIC
Facing the critical voice in your head
A lot of people have an inner dialogue that is scathing, bullying, and mean to themselves across
many areas of their lives. Our inner critic becomes particularly fierce post-breakup—especially
when we do not have all the answers and clarity about what occurred.
​
It is very easy for our inner critic to conclude, without reasonable evidence, things like:
-
I wasn't good enough or interesting enough for my partner.
-
If they wanted to, they would.
-
They just weren't that into me.
-
They found someone better than me.
​
Our inner critics try to convince us that our assumptions are factual. They also combine a lot of
our core wounds together, which can make recovery very painful.
Treating yourself with fairness and respect
Though what your inner critic is saying may be difficult to hear, please do not tell it to STFU or GTFO
because this makes the inner resistance even worse in the long run. The way to heal is through
reasoning with the critic and showing it that its viewpoint may be flawed.
​
One way to do that is to challenge the validity of what is being said.
For example, the inner critic might say:
“They just weren't that into you.”
​
You could challenge this by saying:
“There were plenty of instances where this person suggested they were very into me right up until
the breakup. There was no evidence that this person was unhappy with me—especially given the
fact that if they were truly unhappy, they might have left the relationship much earlier.”
At this point, your inner critic might challenge this new argument and say something like:
“Well, they were just trying to let you down gently.”
To which, you could reply:
“If they were trying to let me down gently, then they were people-pleasing and not being
authentic with me or themselves, and that isn't a reflection of my worth.”
Asking the right questions
An alternative to challenging the validity of the inner critic’s claims is to ask for it:
“How are these assumptions and criticisms helping me right now?”
​
The critic might argue:
“I know you best, and I'm only trying to help.”
To which, you could reply:
“This criticism is adding unnecessary shame and injury to my load and is actually getting in the
way of my healing.”
Whichever tactic you take, your goal is to arrive at a point where your inner critic is silent or
agrees with your inner argument. At that point, you have found a way to silence your inner critic
in a healthy way.
LETTER TO YOUR EX
Expressing all that you weren’t able to before...
A breakup can often be abrupt—especially if it was initiated by an avoidant. Even if you were able
to have a conversation, emotions may have been running high, and you may not have had the
same understanding of what happened that you have now. With some distance along with what
you have learned through this course, it can be healing to express what you couldn’t back then.
